Sunday, October 25, 2009

Still sick, friends disappear – July 2009

I do a follow up appointment with the endo/gyno, Dr. K., and she tells me all of my tests are NORMAL.  My ultrasound is normal and the cyst on my left ovary is gone.  There are no hormonal issues and I am not peri-menopausal, which I was concerned about.   She recommends if I am still experiencing painful periods in the coming months I can try the pill.  I am hopeful because we keep ruling out things that could be wrong, but I am also frustrated, because I am still not getting an answer as to why I am so sick and toxic during menstruation.  

I do a follow up with Dr. A, who now says he believes I do NOT have lupus, which is a huge relief.  He says I do have fibromyalgia.  I tell him the Zoloft is definitely helping and that I feel better, relative to the beginning of the year.  But I am not anywhere near well.   He recommends I stay on all of the medicine too.  I ask why I need to stay on Plaquenil when I do not have lupus, and he says, “good question, but you are feeling good and I don’t want to take you off of anything just yet.”  

I get my period and the 1st and 2nd days I am incredibly sick again.  I have a bad headache and I am sick all over.  I am so frustrated with all of this.   It hurts when I go to sleep at night and I cannot find a comfortable position.   My neck and shoulders are swollen.  I am still tired and when I take a shower I still have to lie down for about 20 minutes after because it exhausts me.   I try to be grateful for having a family and friends who love me.  Heather and Samantha check in with me all of the time from L.A. and London, and with my family make me feel like people are invested in my progress and my health.  It makes me feel like I am not alone in this.   Some days, however, the prolonged sleep deprivation and chronic pain catch up to me and I just cry.  I forget what it feels like for my body to feel good.  I miss working out.  I miss going for a walk or run and feeling sweaty and stretching and feeling the endorphins and having that glow after a hard work out.  I am humbled that I was so hard on my body before, always seeing the negative when I looked in the mirror and never measuring up to the images I see in magazines.  Now I realize I was healthy, and that is all that matters.  I had always thought I would run a marathon, and now I am finding it hard to go for a 10-minute walk.  I read Lance Armstrong’s “It’s Not About the Bike.”  I am inspired and feel like I seriously need to get over myself and stop whining about the pain.  

I have noticed that I haven’t heard from a lot of my friends.  Strangely, people I thought would step up to the plate have completely disappeared from my life.  A guy I was seeing before I left LA hasn’t called, and yet people I was not that close to have shown up in ways I could never have anticipated.  One such friend, P, has called and randomly emailed to check in with me.   He has surprised me b/c we were not that close when I was in LA.  There is something about small gestures like this that makes me have faith in people.  

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