Tuesday, November 9, 2010

From Hell to Glitter in the Air

I've just spent a few days in hell. I took the antibiotic minocycline and it made me so dizzy I couldn't stand up from the couch. When I did, I was weaving all over the place and bumping into walls. I was so nauseous I couldn't eat, but the ironic beauty of antibiotics is that I must eat to take them. Gr. My body is so out of whack again and I can't seem to get it back on track. I am experiencing severe pain, like I experienced 2 years ago at this exact time before everything came crumbling down. At least this time I am armed with information and know that a) I'm not going to die, b) I have a great doctor in my corner who is fighting this with me and c) family and friends know what is going on and I have a lot of love and support.

I feel like I'm hanging on by my fingernails when I am in that much pain and it is really hard to find the willpower to get out of bed in the morning. I lie there and for a few minutes I feel kind of okay, but I know that as soon as my feet touch the floor the pain will come rushing back. I don't know what the day ahead is going to hold for me, whether I will feel ok or be so sick by dinner that I can't move. I'm experiencing new symptoms now too that are scary; my actual bones are starting to ache, and sometimes when I walk the bones in my left foot have stabbing pains running through them.

My friend H, who also has lyme, encourages me to let go of the facade that I am strong and can do this on my own. She asks me where my fortitude comes from, and supports me being honest with people around me about how much I'm struggling. I don't know why I'm still doing this, but it's like I want to protect my family, boyfriend and people close to me from knowing how much pain I am really in. I think there is a part of me that feels like they can't handle that level of pain. But she reminds me that they are adults, and that they can decide what they can handle. So I have a conversation with my mother in which I fall apart. I have been holding it together for months, trying to mentally will myself into being healthy. I have been in complete denial that I am not getting better. It is just too hard to accept that I am going down the rabbit hole again and that this time it might be much worse. I have been trying so hard to be normal; social engagements, trips, and plans on my calendar. I've had to cancel most of it because I can't get up off of the couch. I have been in denial too about the symptoms that are coming back. I just can't accept that my body is betraying me again. My Mom takes matters into her own hands and calls Dr. X. He prescribes some painkillers and also suggests I come in immediately for a vitamin i.v. drip. My Dad takes me and it is the best thing I could have done. As soon as the drip gets into my body I feel a release that is beautiful. I start to get drowsy and cozy and my body feels warm and good. Who knew vitamins and minerals could make me feel like this!? It's a party in body, but this time in a good way!

I have an acupressure session that is long and intense. The women who do the session are true healers and touch knots and pain in my body that feel like they have been there for months. I feel release so deep that I alternately sweat and have chills. They touch certain tense places on my body and ask me what I am holding onto there. When they touch my solar plexus it hurts so much I almost throw up. The wise woman, D., says, "what is being held here?" I tell her, "my fear that I'm going to die and that I am so alone." As soon as I say that, the pain releases. Amazing.

I watch a "Behind the Music" on the artist Pink. What I am inspired by is that she has always done what she wants, said what she wants, and followed her gut. I wonder how she would handle having this illness and realize that she would probably do everything she could to kick it's ass and would become a spokeswoman for the disease. She is definitely someone who is not afraid to speak out. This performance at the 2010 Grammy's was incredible. It was vulnerable and ballsy at the same time. It reminds me that I can be both too.

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